Should I go as John, or Joan? I reasonedthat the girls at the Piercing Palace already knew me as Joan, so itwould be best to remain in character. As I considered this, I began towonder if I was doing it for another reason; for Darla. Downstairs, I began preparing the meat loaf. I was determined to make thebest damned meat loaf that had ever been made! It was a fun dish toprepare. Really hands on, or rather, hands "in." I thought about that fora second remembering that I'd eaten meat loaf in the school cafeteriabefore: never again, I thought and laughed to myself. Dinner cooking, Iwent back upstairs to select my outfit for the evening. I realized thatI'd have to be "ready" before dinner as I'd never have time to getdressed after dinner had been served. I decided on the red skort andagain began wondering about my motives. I knew Darla loved me in red.Still, she'd already seen my black skort, and it would have been tooweird wearing the blue pleated skirt. Hell, she'd think I was. I know the first thing I felt was pleasure. That was a strange reaction to seeing the woman who had changed my life so much for the worse. I expected anger, resentment, maybe a little pain; but the only thing that I recognized was the pleasure. I'm sure the others were there: as a matter of fact, I was positive of it since I had experienced them all after I had first seen them last night. But that was before I was this close.As Nan turned toward the door and went to open it, I had a few seconds to catch my breath and calm myself down. I had to be very careful: I understood that my feelings were in chaos and my control was ragged at best. Sure, over the past five plus years I had learned control and patience, but those were for things I could control; things that were predictable and for which the rewards and consequences were clear. They never included wives, or ex-wives or children or any of those things that were part of a civilized life. Prison was far from civilized. It was.
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